I have a life preserver in the form of a little pink pill

From David Blair

I have a life preserver in the form of a little pink pill. I started taking it about four years ago when I began to understand the extent to which my illness was becoming a family affair. While I was willing to let myself drown in Lyme disease, anxiety, and depression, I couldn’t bear to watch my husband and son go down with me.

And it worked. It worked like a charm. Within weeks I found myself floating up to the surface of my illness and bobbing around like a red buoy on a sunny day. I was still in the water but I could wave to my family toweling off on dry land. We could call to each other, tell jokes, sing songs, and make plans for the future.

I don’t know how the pill works, but I do know that when I’m taking it regularly I feel blessed, safe, and at ease. I wake in the morning and think, “I love my life. I have everything I’ve ever wanted.”

When I miss a pill I notice it immediately. Do you remember the Dementors who guard the wizard prison Azkaban in Harry Potter? They feed off human happiness. When you’re near a Dementor your body goes cold and you feel like nothing in the world can ever be good again. That’s me without my life preserver.

At first I worried that the pills were distorting my reality. If I needed a pill to make me feel at ease, could I trust that feeling? Was it real? With my doctor’s help, I tried going off the pills by reducing my dosage gradually over time, but it didn’t work. I noticed that my family had stopped singing, had stopped waving happily to me from the shore, and the water was getting rougher…

So I take the pills. It’s not the only thing I do. I also practice yoga, meditate, and nurture positive relationships with people I love. I count my blessings every day. I ride my bike. I call my mom.

I used to keep my life preserver secret. I swam around with it hidden beneath the surface of the water. I let others assume I was staying afloat all by myself. I let them believe it was the yoga and meditation that made me such a good swimmer.

Then I noticed other swimmers with life preservers. Some, like me, had them hidden beneath the surface. Other, braver, souls held them up for anyone to see. I drew courage from their courage, strength from their strength. I decided to let my life preserver be seen too.

I’ll always credit yoga with being a huge part of my healing from Lyme disease, anxiety, and depression. Through yoga I’ve learned, and continue to learn, how to listen to my body, honour my intuition, and ask for help when needed. I used to think that needing a life preserver antidepressant medication meant that my yoga practice wasn’t strong enough. Now I believe that without yoga I never would have had the self-knowledge and humility to ask for and accept this kind of help.

To my students who are challenged by anxiety and depression: know that I am too. To my students who think it’s yoga that keeps me buoyant: know that it is yoga, inasmuch as yoga allows me to approach my life with compassion and honesty.

Let’s chip away at this stigma surrounding mental health issues. Let’s do it together.

Image © 2015 David Blair

Share your thoughts

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  1. Bonnie Simpson

    Erin, I am overwhelmed by your courage and honesty. What a beautiful, spiritual woman you are! I have the utmost respect for you and the battle you have waged for so many years. May God continue to bless you as you continue to bless others with your skill and example.
    Much love to you ,

    • Erin

      Thanks Bonnie, what a kind comment. Much love to you too, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding! exo

  2. Sara

    Thank you Erin, truly, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing this, and for being your wonderful self <3

  3. Joni

    Erin, I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many struggles to overcome, but am amazed by your courage and strength to face them head on. We’re fortunate to live at a time and place where help is available. To not accept that help would be to retreat and deprive those who care about you, of your presence. You brighten my day every time I’m lucky enough to see you and take part in your classes. Keep on doing whatever it takes. >big hug<

    • Erin

      Aw, thanks Joni! It’s a privilege to teach yoga and I’m grateful for every class and every student. Hugs back!

  4. Donna B.

    Erin, I have taken 2 of your courses before, and I hope to take another. I have Lyme Disease too, and my condition has worsened despite my efforts. I think depression is a natural (probably bodily) reaction to a serious, chronic disease. You are an inspiring and uplifting person for those of us who share these difficulties. I appreciate your honesty about the pink pill. We need all the help that can work for us! Thank you for all that you do!

  5. Dasha

    I love it, and I send all my love to you! beautifully written and thank you sincerely and deeply for your honesty and openness. Stories heal, not just individuals, but collective communities and the earth itself.

  6. Guylaine

    Annie Bray (one of my dearest loves) told me about this little ditty that you wrote as I too (yoga teacher for 16 years) know this to be all so true for me and many of my students and friends. Thank you.